His Clarity
by Fireleaf9
Summary: "He sat down on one of the beds and continued crying, he told himself not to cry, because men don't cry, but he couldn't stop the teardrops." JD/Cox, Slash, a little oneshot inspired by Zedd's song "Clarity".


_Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need  
Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why  
If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?  
If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity? _  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He entered the on-call room, his gaze on the ground, tears fell down from his eyes. That was a very bad day, maybe the worst that year, four patients coded, none of them made it: a little boy, who had been on an accident, a car hit him while he was cycling, two women, the first was barely 30, she had mesothelioma , the second, was over 50, and she had type three diabetes, and the last was an old man, he had an acute heart failure, he needed a transplant, but they didn't have enough time to find a donor. He sat down on one of the beds and continued crying, he told himself not to cry, because men don't cry, but he couldn't stop the teardrops.

Life was really a whore."Guess the money i had wasn't enough" thought the old doctor, sighing. He remembered the three infected patients, who died three years ago, that time he promised to himself he wouldn't fall again but there he was, falling for the second time. Standing from the bed, he went out of the hospital, reached his car, got into it, and he began driving to home.

The apartement was empty, as always. Jordan has left to flirt with some young man, Jack and Jennifer were at Jordan's mother for the weekend. Perry got some scotch from the liquors stand, and started drinking , then he took the whole bottle, and sat on the couch.

It was happening again..

* * *

"Have you seen Dr. Cox ?"

"No, i haven't. I'm sorry, Bambi."

I bit my lip, I've searched all the day long, in the cafeteria, in the morgue, in almost every place in the hospital where I thought he could be.

"Bambi, you should look at these."

"What are these?"

"Dr. Cox's patients charts, they..."

I read all the charts, about the coded patients, and i can feel that my usual smile turned into an expression full of sadness.

"Carla, is his shift ended?"

"Mmh, no, it isn't. Why do you want to know that, Bam-"

Carla couldn't finish speaking, I quickly exited from the hospital, got up into the car, and started the engine.

"Where are you going Bambi?" Carla shouted panting for the run she had to do to reach the outside of the building.

" I'm gonna get him, see you later." And then, I started driving.

I could not believe it, my mentor, my friend, the one I lov... whatever he was for me, I just couldn't believe that Perry fell again for patients' death.I was able to save him once, but I'm not sure I can save him again.

I reached the apartement soon, I stepped outside the door and knocked, surprised to find that it was sligthly open, so I pushed it a bit, and then I got inside of the house. He couldn't see me because he was staring at the blank TV screen, drinking scotch.

_Gosh, that's too much, even for him, the entire bottle of scotch? I have to talk to him_

I got close to the couch and then I spoke, or at least. I tried to, but the only thing that came out of my mouth was a whisper.

"Perry, I'm here.."

* * *

He turned his gaze on me, surprised that he didn't hear me getting into his house, but relaxed soon after, as if he was waiting for me to come.

"Bad day huh? I've seen your patients' charts, God..." He didn't speak a word, he just swallowed hard, and poured the remaining scotch in the glass, gulping it down.

_Is he that bad? What can I say to help him this time, I don't even know anything about his patients... Right, his patients, but.. will he talk? _

"How were they?" I ask, sitting on the couch next to my mentor, hoping for an answer. Dr. Cox followed my movements with his eyes, until I sat on the couch, then, he looked at the empty glass, got up on his feet, and reached the liquor stand, taking another bottle of scotch.

"Hey, take a glass for me, can you?" I ask, hoping to hear again "You don't drink scotch" from his small, beautiful lips, and again, he didn't answer, but he took the glass, leaving it on the coffee table.

I pour myself some scotch in my glass, and I drink it, ignoring the burning sensation in my throat, and the disgust I feel every time I drink something different than beers or appletinis.

_Come on JD, open up to him, you already know what to say, after all, he's your remedy to everything.. _

" ...Perry, I just don't know what to say this time, but I'm sure you did your best to help those patients, and it happens, sometimes, you just can't do anything, it was their time, either way or another. Do you remember when you told me that life is just a bitch, and our job is to pay her to give us more time? You were right, because that is what doctors do, and, you know, you're one of the best I've ever known. That's why I want to be like you, I told you three years ago, and I'm telling you again in this right moment." And on instinct, I leaned towards him and took him into a thigh embrace, he seems shocked, but he didn't push me away, and that shocked me.

"It's okay, everything will be alright." I curl my hands on his back as his eyes begin to dry, and I understand that his sadness is again an old memory, and I feel that his gaze is locked on me, but I look away.

_He will now mock you, as he always do, and tell you that you're a little girl, but as far as i can tell, I've still helped him to go on._

"Why are you my clarity?"

That was the last thing I remembered before my mind went blind, I sense hands tugging my face, and lips pressed roughly to mine.

Dr. Cox was kissing me.

* * *

My shift isn't even finished, I shouldn't be home, but damn, I'm so full of this, it's just the same shit, different day. And Newbie wasn't even there to annoy me, I didn't see his puppydog eyes on me once in the whole day. God, I missed those eyes..

_What the hell have I thought? I so no-oh-ot miss Newbie's eyes on me, no, never, never ever._

_Who the hell are you trying to fool,Perry? Since it started, you know he was the only thing keeping you sane, he was able to keep you sane when you fell the last time._

_Great, not only four of my patients died, now I start talking to myself, Newbie's really made me soft._

I'm still drinking and staring at the blank TV screen, when I see a figure in it. The Grim Reaper has come to take my soul.

"Perry, I'm here.."

It's a whisper, I didn't think the Reaper has a soft voice. I turn myself towards the figure..God, not him,please.

I locked my eyes on him, I really missed those eyes. I followed his movements as he sat on the couch. This is so familiar.. and makes me feel relaxed, as if I know he'll help me through this.

"Bad day huh? I've seen your patients' charts, God..." He said. _Oh really? No, it isn't, it's a beautiful day where 4 of my patients died and I'm sitting here drowning in scotch._ Apparently I didn't say that aloud, even if I wished to. Words just didn't come out of my mouth, all I could do was swallow.

The bottle is empty, I stand up to reach the liquor stand and take another one.

"Hey, take a glass for me, can you?" He doesn't drink scotch, maybe he just wanted to hear the same things I told him that time but again, I couldn't answer, so I take an empty glass and I put it on the coffee table along with the bottle.

He pours himself some scotch and I know he's doing it to help me, because I can see in his face that for him it's disgusting. And now, he's breathing in, I think he's going to speak.

Yeah,he's definitely going to speak. And he's talking,babbling, about his inability to say something to help this time, that their deaths wasn't my fault. He's remembering me the time I told him that life was a bitch, I do remember that time, and I do agree, because she is the worst bitch in the whole Earth.

He's opening to me, he's now telling me I'm the best doctor he's ever known. Not that this surprises me, because I am the best doctor in the hellhole, and even if he said that lots of times, it still makes me think he's right. Every word spoken by his mouth calms me, even if I don't admit it. And it doesn't surprise me that he wants to be like me either, if it wasn't like this, why should I have to have his puppydog eyes on me?

_Admit it Perry, you would miss those eyes on you._

_I...he's really made me soft, and... what is he doing? _

He was hugging me,he locked his arms on my back and pulled me closer. I didn't expect it, and it blocked me for a while. But, instead of pushing him, I simply stood still as I felt my eyes wiping away the tears.

_What is this feeling? Why do I feel this way, calm, safe, hopeful?_

_Don't you see Perry? It's because of him._

_Him? No, it can't be, it'll never be._

_Just quit this jerk show, he's really opening to you, giving his whole self to make you feel better, and you, you know that nobody will help you as he does._

_But I can't feel something for Newbie, I've never felt something for him, never ever. And, even if I do,what feeling is? Friendship, father-son care, or...love?_

I stare at him, he doesn't turn, and I wanted he did.. It can't be.

_It can't be love, it's just insane!_

_Well, if our love is insanity, then ask him..._

"Why are you my clarity?"

I grab his head with my hands and I leaned forward to capture those beautiful and full lips of his, and I don't know if he's shocked or scared because he's not responding. But finally it's a matter of time before he kissed back, giving me the permission to deepen the kiss. We continued kissing for a bit, tongue fought for entrance and I won, exploring every angle of his mouth. I wanted to taste him so fully, and he's so sweet.

We broke for air, I sense his breathe on my neck, and I think we're both too scared to talk. _Man up Perry, you can talk._

"Stay." I said, softly and sad, I didn't want him to go, not now that I have him.

He waited for a moment, silently, then, giggling, he spoke.

"It's what I'm planning to do." kissing me again, softly.

His smile, that's what I always wanted to see, and now I can.

"You bet on it Newbie, or I swear I'll kill you" I'm trying to be the usual Perry Cox, but now I can't, he really made me soft, like a marshmallow. I grab him and I gave him an hug, placing his head on my chest as I curl my fingers on his hair, damn, they really are smooth.

"JD, Thank you so much." I finally said, I've opened my heart, totally, and I feel so damn good, Who could tell that?

_I could tell._

_Stop it you, but yeah, you're right._

"You're welcome,Perry" He answered, my name sounds so good on his lips.

I kissed him softly, then I relaxed in an embrace I wish it'll last forever.

End.

**Hello everybody! I really hope you've****liked my work, i spent a lot on it. This is my first "Scrubs" fic, and I'll surely do other ones. I 've listened to the song and the chorus reminded me of the two doctors I'm deeply****in love with. R&R please, and see you next time! :D**

**Ps: The story is unbeta'd, so all mistakes are mine, let me know if you find some :D Oh, and i don't own Scrubs, if I did, I would be drinking a Bahama Mama in the Hawaii.**


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